I am posting all of this on the internet. There will be many confused, absolutely dumb-struck people reading this. I do this as my final act FOR you. I want to them see what you will read, and what you will come to understand. I want it known I have no shame in me. Shame is for lesser beings. I have no shame because I have no one to impress. I have ZERO worry that this post will haunt me later, or bite me in the ass. I am guiltless in this future I am shaping. I am righteous in my ranting. I am unstoppable, uncontrollable, and I will not be cowed by social awkwardness or "What the fuck is he smoking? He has lost it!"
I have lost it. I have gone completely, stark raving mad. Not mad like a Hatter, but mad in the sense that all connectors have been severed. There are no strings to hang myself on anymore. I am a creature without conscience in what follows. I have ZERO sorrow, nor shame, for what I shall bring forth.
Some of you know me beyond the page here. You know I have a depth of deep concern and caring for those in my life that I care for. You know that, when circumstances permit, I am the most giving person you can hope to meet. You know that I am generous to a fault, and almost daily cause my own 3rd degree burns because of it. You know that, no matter what comes out of my mouth, or how my deviations may go up and down the quality scale, I have one thing above all else: Integrity.
It cannot be taken away from me. It cannot be tricked into slipping away in the night to better help some insensitive social parasite comfort themselves. My integrity is all I have. If I lose that, my next step is obvious. Traffic run, on foot. I am an honest person. It lands me in very awkward situations. People fake most of their emotions, and they fake most of their sentiments. Usually it is to survive, or because they need/want to fit in. They hate reality. They alter reality because it makes them "happy". It sates their ego. It makes them seem more than the sum of their diseased parts.
I am not hindered by "taste" and "social substance". I am not interested in "belonging". I never have. I never will. I don't mind. Those are merely labels of no consequence to a creature like me. Thus, I am routinely targeted for it. Well, here is the big red crosshair, motherfuckers. Bring your worst and make sure you brought plenty of prescription painkillers. You're in for a long fucking ordeal.
The herd has screwworms up its ass, and merely slows me down. Thus, I choose, consciously, heartlessly, to be one of you in biology alone, mostly because I have no choice. If I did, I prefer the wolves, bears, etc. In personality, I am another matter. I choose, aware and fully in charge of the consequences, to be socially gone.
-----------------
Dear Family,
I have broken my bones to help you. I have broken my spirit to help you. I have defied my ethics and my beliefs and my very nature to elevate and venerate and exonerate you. I have taken beatings for you [verbal or otherwise]. I have walked the lonely path for you. I have attempted to find fault in just about everything I have ever said or done, to make you the good guy, to make you happy and make you feel better. I have covered up for you. I have bled for you, LITERALLY. I have prayed with and for you. I have stood beside you. I have tolerated you. I have believed in you.
I have taken the blame for your most heinous acts. I spent 1/3 of my childhood in a mental institution to make you feel better. To make you look good to "the community". To make the stain if YOUR failure go away. I did that. For you. I made it all go away, so you can sleep at night. So you can enjoy your nice house and recliner, and church standing, and ritualized self-denials. I did that for you. I accepted it when you fed me the bullshit about how a boy who has been raped from the age of 4 to 12 can BE SOMEBODY you are EVER capable of being proud of. I did that for you. I believed in my own lie.
I took the brunt of the fists, the broom handles up my anus. I did that so you would not have to. I took the loose teeth and scars, so you could remain pleasant to look at. I did that for you. I took his wrath upon me, and watched my horses, my dogs, my most cherished things in this life be torn apart. Literally, TORN APART. I did that for you, so your couch would remain in one piece.
I took all the disdainful glares from mental health '
rofessionals' when you cried and told them you felt guilty that did not feel guilty. I did that to make you feel better. I gave up every childhood interest MOST KIDS have to make you feel safe. I crossed all the right T's and ate all my greens so you would leave me the fuck alone and not nag me until I wanted to blow my brains out. I did that for you.
I gave up a life of privilege to take care of your FUCKING SHIT. I wiped your emotional ass for you. I gave up dates, friends, experiences, so you could look back with fondness and laugh at all "those crazy days". I DESTROYED WHO I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FOR YOU.
Well "those crazy days" are not gone. They never were. They never cease to haunt me. They never cease to make me question EVERYTHING about who I am, who I SHOULD BE, and how the FUCK I will ever be normal. I PUT HIM IN THE GROUND FOR YOU. I PROTECTED YOU. I MADE HIM LEAVE YOU ALONE. I MADE MY OWN ASS A TARGET TO SPARE YOU. I did that for you. I do it still. Until today.
Why did I do all of these things [and more] for you? What POSSIBLE sane, well-adjusted, grateful to be alive human being would put himself or herself through such agonizing, tormenting, horrifying trials? LOYALTY? FEAR OF REPRISAL? DUTY?
Wrong, on all counts.
It's called love. You see, even a creature as fucking damaged as I am, with all my extremes of hot/cold and heartless, passionless sadistic detachment, understands what LOVE is. Even I, with my dented skull and misaligned back, and scarred flesh, and Texas-sized ego from HELL, can understand love.
Love is doing whatever it takes, so those you LOVE live on. So they advance. So they find solace in the darkest hours. So that they live MEANINGFUL lives.
Love is taking the blame when you know they did it. Love is picking up the pieces and using your own tears and sweat and flesh as adhesive. The most important aspect of love, is this:
LOVE IS FREE. It is given. It is nurtured through DOING THE RIGHT THING. It is given form and substance based on years of hard toil and unending frustration. It is not given up easily, and it is fought over. It is a power without rival in human experience.
Well, you just fucked it all up. You just did the one thing that has sealed your fate. You took the ONE honest, pure, good thing you ever had, and you bent it over a tree stump, fucked it with a cattle prod in the ass, and watched it cry, kick, scream, and breathe its last. You just took the final small, cardboard, flimsy piece of the Human Puzzle I possessed and removed it from me.
There are some things, again even a monster like me can understand and appreciate, if vaguely, that you JUST DON'T DO TO OTHER PEOPLE. Human DECENCY has failed you.
You have opened the 'door of doors' now. You will never sleep again.
I have nothing left now. I am BECOME the hand of vengeance.
Prepare.
"Merry Xmas Finally"
Content
Llama
Wow!
